Good Grief!

Do not hurry
As you walk with grief
It does not help the journey

Be not disturbed
By memories that come unbidden
Let God support you

Be gentle with the one who
Walks through grief
If it is you,
Be gentle with yourself.
Swiftly forgive
Walk slowly
Pausing often

Take time, be gentle
As you walk with grief.

The metaphor of grief as a journey, or in this adapted Celtic prayer, as a walk, seems contrary to the actual experience of grief. Grief can literally "weigh down" the person who must face the reality of a gut-wrenching loss of the death of a loved one, taking both a psychological and physical toll on the bereaved person. Even the very word “grief”, derived from the Old French grève, means a heavy burden. If even the roots of the word imply a sense of being stationary, how is grief a journey?

In an article from www.HospiceNet.org, a wonderful website, we learn that grief is indeed, a journey: “An ancient African saying is 'There is no way out of the desert except through it.' Each of us will take a different route. Each will choose his own landmarks. He will travel at his own unique speed and will navigate using the tools provided by his culture, experience, and faith. In the end, he will be forever changed by his journey.” The grief journey is the acknowledgement that death and loss are irreversible changes, and the process of learning how to assimilate this painful change into our lives. It is a combination of many emotions that come and go, sometimes without warning. How long and how difficult the grieving period is dependent upon the relationship with the person who dies, the circumstances of the death, and the situation of the survivors.

In the late 1960's, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross published a book called On Death and Dying. This pivotal work began to outline a clinical understanding of the grief journey, in five stages. These stages are: Denial. With denial, we experience disbelief: "That is not possible … there must be some mistake … you must have the wrong person, … that can't be true or happen to me!" The second phase, anger, allows us, perhaps, to place blame-at the doctor; the deceased themselves; ourselves . . . The third phase is called bargaining. Reverting to magical thinking, we may try to strike a deal with God: Just let me have one more hour, so I can. . . . This wishful thinking helps us escape from the unbearable reality of loss. Second to last, as the actuality sets in, we experience profound sadness. We may cry uncontrollably-or for no particular reason. We are so sad, perhaps, that even getting the laundry done is too monumental. Finally, we begin to move into acceptance. As we experience the gamut of emotions, together with time, we begin to accept the change in our lives and find a measure of personal peace.

Kubler-Ross, in creating these stages, acknowledged not only that grief is a journey, but that it can take significant time and that each person will go through the grief journey in their own order, at their own time-forever. To understand this, visualize these five phases of grief as circles, that create a multilayered Venn diagram. The overlapping of circles helps us to understand that we can flow from one circle to the next, and back again, at any moment. We can be sad and then angry; peaceful and then return to bargain; and round and round and round.

Understanding the phases, or cycles of the grief journey is only the first step: Now we must discuss how to take this journey. How do we do, as many therapists call it, “good grief?” Let us frame this journey through the eyes of the unique genius of our Jewish tradition. Our practice identifies several stages of mourning, moving from total recognition and absorption in grief, to complete re-engagement in everyday life.

Let us start with a well known concept: shiva. From the word for seven, shiva is the initial period of mourning which begins immediately following burial. The Reform Movement embraces a time period from 1 day to 7 days, in which the person, and family, can be completely isolated; not leaving the house, not engaging in household activities. The community participates in supporting the families' needs, both emotional and physical. In 2004, Maurice Lamm wrote a book entitled Consolation. About shiva, he writes: “Shiva is a sanctuary for grieving. It follows the course of suffering; it confronts rather than evades the pain of separation. . . . we discover that shiva is not simply carved from the calendar to sharpen our focus on what we have lost. It enables us as mourners to locate ourselves and orient ourselves in an environment distorted by the disappearance of a signpost.” About his experience of shiva, George H. writes, “There is an incredible amount of wisdom in the Jewish rituals of shiva . . . When my first wife died after a long illness, it was not totally unexpected---but it was still a shock. But the support of my rabbi, synagogue community and friends was amazing; and the different time frames for mourning seemed to correspond with my mental state. It takes a full 8 days just to come to grips with the basic loss; and at least a full month to feel that you'll be able to function again in society.”

George H. acknowledges the power of the period of shiva, the initial mourning period, as he introduces the secondary mourning period, known as sheloshim, from the word thirty. When the period of shiva ends, one must begin to deal with the everyday nuisances of life-answering the phone, paying bills-but the world is still so different, the grief so raw and all consuming! Our Jewish teachers expressed that this initial “re-entry” was the period of sheloshim. During this time, at Temple Beth-El, for example, the name of the deceased remains on our memorial list, in public acknowledgment of the loss, as well as the painful process of re-entry into the world.

Some may ask: why 30 days? The Jewish calendar is marked by lunar time. The moon waxes and wanes in a 30 day cycle. Symbolically, when the moon is fully absent, it is similar to the funeral and first days of shiva, when not even a glimmer of light is seen. As time goes on, the light of the moon slowly returns. The same is often true for us: the light slowly, incrementally, creeps back into our lives. Theses first days are important cycle, a time to begin come to grips with a new reality.

Yet do not mistake: Judaism understands that the acute pain continues. In fact, our faith recognizes the entire first year of grieving as severe. This initial time contains many firsts which are extremely difficult: the first anniversary without the loved one; the first Rosh Hashanah, the first Hanukkah, a grandchilds' graduation. . . these milestones are painful, even agonizing. Throughout the first year, one journeys between anger and denial, to sadness and acceptance. It is during this that engaging in “good grief” is so important, as the website HospiceNet.org teaches: “One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to stuff down your feelings-in the belief that they will simply fade with time-is counter-productive.” To engage in good grief, one must work through the emotions. This first year of mourning allows one the time, and the spiritual space to do that. To process the emotions, there are people who want to help you get through this time-friends, loved ones, pastoral counselors, bereavement counselor, trained laypersons and professionals.

I'd like to take a moment here to speak of Temple's bereavement group, beginning, for the first time on February 1. I've been overwhelmed by the positive response, and I'm gratified that we have begun to meet the need to journey with our congregants, and neighbors, during their grief. Our bereavement group will be facilitated by Paula Loring, a counselor who specializes in grief therapy, and will offer peer and professional support to all whom experienced a death. All are welcome; please look at your monthly Temple bulletin for more information.

Doing 'Good Grief' is not easy. It may well be the most difficult journey we can imagine. The rituals of Judaism, such as shiva and sheloshim, help us move through the initial shock of grief. At the end of the first year, Jews commemorate this anniversary, of a loved one's death with the dedication of the headstone. This ritual symbolically acknowledges that our official mourning period is over. During this ceremony, we acknowledge our sadness, even as we dedicate ourselves anew to living. I share with you this prayer, a version of which is often read at unveiling ceremonies: “In consecrating this headstone unto the memory of the departed, may we at the same time dedicate to the living the love with which our dear one filled our lives.”

It is important to take a moment to speak about the Kaddish. Known as the Mourner's Prayer; it speaks almost entirely God's greatness. Judaism encourages-in some communities requires-that Kaddish be said daily, or at least weekly, at Shabbat, for the first full year of mourning. That we should call out to God's greatness during this difficult journey may surprise some. Yet, in a time of loss, and subsequent healing, the Kaddish reminds us of God's presence. It acknowledges God's constant presence--even in our fury; God is there. Even when we sink to despair, God is there. Ultimately, Judaism teaches, God will support us as we walk grief's journey.

Judaism's richness offers us traditions that guide us on our grief journey: shiva, sheloshim, kaddish, and the unveiling. Faith and tradition, when paired with psychological insight, are powerful aids to help us take our grief journey, and to ensure that our grief is “good grief” healthy, and ultimately, healing.

I speak, now, to those that grieve: I cannot wish your pain away; neither can a friend, a family member, or a therapist. I cannot make the journey go faster; neither can a friend, a family member or a therapist. We can, however, support you on this journey. Allow your friends and family can cry with you, rejoice in the memories with you, and even laugh with you. Allow a therapist to help you talk and communicate to yourself and others your feelings and needs. Allow me to teach and support you, counsel and pray with you.

May the mending of your heart and soul allow you to see and incorporate into you life the many blessings of your loved one.

Amen.

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