Parenting Our Parents

This evening I am preaching about taking care of parents, or other relatives, as they age. It is a difficult subject, fraught with emotional, physical and logistical hardship. If facing the aging of a loved is hard enough-dealing with their care creates another dimension that adds tension and heartache. It can also deepen a relationship.

I stand before you tonight as your Rabbi-and as a daughter. For tonight I preach this sermon not just to you, but for myself as well. Last night, my father-in-law was taken to the hospital. My husband Charlie, and my brother and sister-in-law, rushed to Houston from San Antonio and Dallas. Please know that my father-in-law is fine. He was discharged within hours of his arrival at the hospital.

However, the fear and tension that we dealt with last night only makes the difficult balancing act of taking care of aging parents more clear to me. And so, as I deliver this sermon, I ask you a favor: to remember that I am both your rabbi, and a daughter. And after last night, this sermon has become quite emotional, and ever more important.

The number of graying Americans is growing. We are living longer and more active lives. It is not unusual to achieve one's 80th, 90th, or even 100th birthday. One only has to look in any store for evidence of this trend: the market for anti-aging products, from hair dyes, to creams, to injections is booming. It is a multi-billion dollar market, not only because we value youth, but because the general pool of customers is larger!

We are blessed to live our lives with our parents, continuing to learn and grow from their examples. Our adult relationships are often rewarding and enlightening. But with that blessing may come hardship. As our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles age, who will care for them?

We turn to our tradition for an answer. We all know that one of the Ten Commandments is to honor father and mother. The fifth commandment was said to be so important as to be on the first tablet that Moses brought down from Sinai. But many of my students have asked, when studying the Ten Commandments: Why doesn't it say “Love your father and mother” instead of “Honor”? I respond in the following way: When we honor someone, we ensure the sanctity and the respect in their life. It is different than love-it calls for a practical responsibility to care for the loved one in a way that brings honor to you both. We are, as children, obligated to the care of our parents. So, when we receive a phone call, as Charlie did last night-who will come? The answer is clear: the children.

We know that we are responsible for our parents. However, the ultimate challenge is: How? How will they be cared for? How will we make those tough choices? How will that be balanced with the needs of nuclear families? Jobs?

Let me be careful here, for a moment, and dispel an important myth: not all elderly people are sick. We must not make assumptions, that, as our parents age, that they will become fully infirm. We must remember that many octogenarians and nonagenarians are leading full lives. Rather, what I would say is that older adults are more likely have “functional disabilities”-bad eyesight; hearing loss; brittle bones. But mature adults are not sick. They are competent, able adults, still able to enrich their lives and ours as well.

Those functional disabilities, however, do mean that the needs of a loved one may be intensified. They may need to stop driving; they may have trouble reading anything that isn't enlarged. They may have osteoporosis and require special care. Tending to these adults takes care, love and life adjustments. We never know when an emergency is going to arise. But, we can try to prepare, so that if the crisis does come, we may be slightly more able to respond to the call.

The most important thing in trying to be equipped is to talk with your loved one. Ask them what's hard for them; what they'd like from you. Make a plan together-even if it is short term-for how they'd like to have help, or not have help. Understand that the needs of our parents are met in a holistic way-mind, body and spirit. Don't just talk about how to get around, perhaps, without a car. Help them ensure that their minds and souls are still challenged and enriched. Listen to them. Let me say this again: listen to them. They will tell you want they want and need, and you, in turn, can tell them what you want and need. With time, and patience (on all sides) my prayer, and belief, is that you will come to the correct place.

Talking is crucial. For, once a loved is actively ill, the situation can move, quickly, into crisis. It may, at that point, prove difficult to have a conversation, let alone make a plan. While you are able to enjoy conversation together, make it a practice to have what I call “the hard talks”. For example, share information, with each other --even if it is awkward-about financial situations. Ask each other: do you have a living will? A durable power of attorney? A cemetery plot?

When a loved one is taken ill without the benefit of conversation, it is a terrible, gut wrenching predicament. In an emergency, knowing what a loved one would want can be impossible. The internal questions fly: How do I know what to do? What will my parent want? How do I handle the emotional stress?

At every emergency-whether in my congregational family or my personal life-I wish I could snap my fingers and make the pain go away. But I cannot. I can only make suggestions, and offer guidance. In an emergency, remember that you are not alone. There are many resources at your disposal. Use the assets of this community-even if your parent is in another city. Let Jewish Family and Children's Service help you answer some of your basic questions.

Of course, please call the Temple. Let the Temple-your rabbis, your community-- be a support to you. Nourish your spirit: reach out to God, in prayer, in conversation, in anger, and fear. Understand that the physical, emotional and spiritual stress is enormous-and take of yourself. Only by taking care of yourself will you continue to be a good caregiver. Importantly, know your limits as a caregiver. By knowing yourself-your limits, what helps you stay balanced emotionally and spiritually you will be able to make it through the crisis situation. As the situation continues, you may even need to find new ways to recharge your emotional and spiritual batteries.

The emergency situation is overwhelming for many. That is why the conversations I encourage are so important. Of course, they are difficult: who wants to face them? But when we do we will be rewarded by an enriched relationship; secure that our parents are being well cared for. Rabbi Eliezer Diamond teaches: “ Most important to remember is that by providing care and hospitality to our aging parents, we mirror the act of making a place for the Creator of Every Living Thing in our hearts and homes.” In other words, by ensuring the needs of our parents are met, we encourage God's indwelling presence, the Shechinah, to dwell among us.

Our tasks are hard. But, they are holy. The fifth commandment continues, in part: “Honor your father and your mother, that you may long endure and fare well. . . ” By caring for our parents with kindness, compassion, and openness, we ensure that we, too, will fare well, secure in the safety and well being of our parents.

The book of Sirach, while not included in the biblical canon was widely known around the second century BCE. He created an extended poem about the fifth commandment. In part, it reads as follows:

O son, help your father in his old age,
And do not grieve him as long as he lives;
Even if he is lacking in understanding, show forbearance
In all your strength do not despise him.

Sirach cut to the core of the difficult times of caring for an elderly, and/ or ill parent. He understood that the time and emotional commitment could be overwhelming. He understood that grief is an inherent part of watching someone age, and change. As our parents age, we, too, will face these issues. We must be ready to deal with them, so that the blessings they gave us-the gift of life-can be shared.

Amen

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