Home Presentation for Yom Kippur Symposium 5763, September 16, 2002
Putting together words to say today was a somewhat daunting task. After all, though I am known to have distinct opinions on certain subjects, when I sat down to begin this task I actually believed I had nothing to say. Or at least nothing you really wanted to hear. The impact of Judaism on my life… why would anyone want to hear about me? The thought of talking about myself for 10 minutes sounded terrible. But I knew I could tell you about people I care about. People I want to be like. Other people that I model myself after. People that I love. So I'm going to try to tell you about my own Judaism through the people around me. Perhaps some of you will recognize yourselves in my words. If you do, thank you for being one of the people that make me who I am.
There is a picture that sits on my desk dated January '64. That would make me 3 years old. I'm cuddled up on my mother's lap. It's not a posed picture, just a mother and daughter together at no particular moment on no particular occasion.
I wonder what my mother was thinking when that picture was taken. Do you suppose that she wondered what kind of person I would grow up to be? Do you think she imagined my future? My mother won't get to experience my future with me from around the block as I had hoped. But, she's still here, when I make the blintzes for break the fast, or set the Seder table, or sit in services on Rosh Hashonah morning… left side, middle, front. And she's with me every time I kiss my children goodnight. So much of who I am today is because of things my mother told me or did for me or did with me. And from her I established the foundation of a Jewish culture in my life.
I am trying to establish a Jewish home like she did. Understand, I was not raised in a home where Shabbat was celebrated with regularity, nor was it a kosher home or a particularly religious home. But there was no doubt in any of our minds that we were from a Jewish home. There was a prescribed way to prepare, a set menu, and a rather choreographed affair to each holiday. That was the Margie way. But let there be no mistake. It was about the traditions of a Jewish family.
My mother found comfort in her Judaism when her own parents died, and I knew from her that I would find comfort in my Judaism when she was gone. It was from her that I learned about a faith in God and a belief in personal destinies. It was for her that I learned to pray to God for the strength to deal with whatever that destiny would bring. She assured me, as only a mother can do, that God was part of that path of life and death. And so I let the traditions for Jewish mourning carry me through my time of loss.
I counted on Jewish ritual and ceremony at my mother's death just like I counted on the 'Committee of Mothers', as my family puts it. When my mother died, there descended upon her house a group the likes of which you have never experienced, I assure you. They took care of everything. My children are sure that this group of women is the reason I wanted to move back home to San Antonio. They are sure that I knew that even with my own mother gone, I had a group of San Antonio Jewish mothers 8 strong. They're probably right.
My influences come from lots of people, like my stepfather. I want to choose Judaism like my stepfather. He made the choice to be a Jew, not because of marriage, not because of children, not because of pressure from anyone else, but because it made sense to him. He was not born Jewish, but he came to realize that it was one of the ways he wanted to be defined. And now it is a priority to him. I want to make the choice, too. I was born a Jew. I was born to Jewish parents. I had established Jewish patterns set down for me from my parents and my grandparents. They didn't ask us, they just did it, and so we did it. But now I'm a Jewish adult and I want to make each part of my Judaism an active choice. The ritual and the celebrations, the way I participate… I want to choose to do those things. I want to be a Jew by choice.
I try to be like my friend who questions her beliefs, because she questions things about Judaism all the time. But at the same time she is steadfast in her adherence to certain traditions and observances. She allows herself the contradiction. For her, Judaism is not just doing it like everyone else and believing the same things as everyone else. It's about questioning, analyzing, debating, and still knowing at the core of it is a Judaism that is as real as anyone's.
In just a little less than 2 weeks I will have the privilege of becoming a Bat Mitzvah with a class of 9 people. We have been working together every week for a year. What started out as an exploration into Hebrew has become an incredibly wonderful experience for me. Of course, there have been moments when I have asked, “what was I thinking? I'm too old for this!” It's a lot of fun, until you're reading the Torah for practice one night and you look at a word and are sure that you've never ever seen that word before in your entire life. You are sure that while you were away, someone has written a new Hebrew word in your Torah portion and not told you. But more often it's the realization that you really are getting it, that you know what it means, that this is more than just letters on a page. I have a friend that looks at every new Hebrew word with wonder. He treats the Torah reading as if it were a new piece of music that deserves just the right tone, the correct rhythm. I want to continue in this habit of learning that we have established together and give my Jewish studies a continued importance. I want to always feel about my Jewish education the way we feel now about our B'nai Mitzvah preparation… with a love for the words the way my friend does.
I have a teacher who influences my Judaism with her passion. She is insistent that we learn the meanings, the messages, the relevancy in Torah. She has a love for the Hebrew language, the language of ritual, and the study of Torah that is obvious when you are with her. I want that passion to be a part of my Judaism even when she isn't teaching me.
I have another friend whose Judaism is lived through his commitment to the Jewish world. He feels that his obligation toward Tikkun Olam, repairing the world, is core to who he is. He makes it a priority, and expects others to do the same. His is not an allegiance to an institution or agency as much as it is a daily effort to make a difference where it is needed. We are so lucky to have that kind of person in our midst and I try to emulate that commitment all the time.
My husband, Andy, experiences worship services like many of us wish we could. Of course I can't deny that there are times when my elbow is needed in his ribs as his head starts to bob. But his worship is very personal to him. He can truly block out everything else and find a very spiritual place in services. He can make it a really prayerful moment. I am always searching for that spiritual, prayerful moment. I work at it sometimes, and sometimes it just comes. But when it is there, it brings all the pieces together.
As a mother, I have learned about Judaism from my children. Not Sunday School lessons, but life lessons. My two children are really very different. Matthew approaches things much more casually. He puts one foot in front of the other without much thought for what might be along the road and experiences each moment. And he hears music. Not just when he's drumming on the seat and annoying someone, but always. And when he is enjoying music, whether heard or played, he has the ability to be lost in the feeling, consumed by his thoughts.
Emily on the other hand, is very planned out. Life is organized and goal oriented for her. She usually figures that if it is supposed to be done, then plan it, organize it, and go for it. In her very gentle, soft spoken way, Emily can see the black and white of things.
And so I would like to see Judaism from their eyes. I would like to be “lost in the feeling' like Matthew, experiencing it as it comes. And I would like to know that there are some things that are planned for, that,like Emily, we can count on the constancy of certain things.
Being a parent to these two incredible children has, from the beginning, influenced our Jewish home. I immediately felt that I had big new responsibilities that extended well beyond feeding and diapering from the moment they were born. I had to make these little children feel Jewish. So when the children were going to preschool at our Temple in Denver, I bought a challah each Friday on our way out of school. I guess it was a school fundraiser. Anyway, one day in mid-July, when we were off from school during the summer, Emily, who was maybe 3 at the time, looked up at me and said, “Mommy, when does Shabbat start again?” You see, we were only celebrating Shabbat at home during the 9 months when I could buy a challah on the way out. We were celebrating by convenience. And correcting it wasn't about doing it more often, but doing it a different way.
I want to be the kind of Jewish mother that establishes these traditions and home celebrations with meaning behind them. I am now trying to do things that aren't going through the motions and are really heartfelt. And I'm still learning.
So all these people, and their experiences, are a part of who I am. I am taking some of their experiences and their qualities and their connections with their Judaism, and I'm making them my own. I am putting their contributions into my own language and applying them to my life and my concerns.
So what has that little girl in the picture become? Who is she now? From all these people, and the pieces they have brought to me, I have become a Jewish adult making choices to live a Jewish life. I have made a commitment to my community and many of the Jewish institutions and agencies in it. Many of you know that I spend a great deal of time volunteering in the Jewish community. Why do I do it? I certainly don't have anything to prove. I do it because I can, because I want to, because it makes me feel good, because of the influence of all of these people. I have a sense of purpose, and a sense of responsibility, as a Jewish mother and a member of this congregation and this community.
It seems as though if this is how Judaism influences me… through the people around me, then it's always changing, right? Because relationships with people and their life experiences are always changing. So I suppose that my Judaism will change, too. And as we link the generations past with those who come after us, I know that the whole of the experience will be better and richer for me, because of the compilation of thought and influence of all of the people in my life.
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