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Home Presentation for Yom Kippur Symposium 5766, October 13, 2005
I appreciate the opportunity to speak to the congregation today about the impact of Judaism on my life and to share the bimah with this distinguished group. I've spent a considerable amount of time thinking about what I wanted to say and I kept coming back to my relationships with several people and how they have affected my Jewish life.
Every year I attend the Yom Kippur Symposium with my daughter Kathleen- in past years we would sit with our dear friend Bob Rosow, of Blessed memory. Bob was an inspiration to me because of his family values and his generosity. Bob lived his life demonstrating his devotion and commitment to Judaism. On Yom Kippur, Bob would always remain at Temple for the entire day; even in his later years when his health and stamina became fragile. Bob was like a second father to me. I respected his commitment to serve the community, as well as his true joy in helping people. I strived to emulate his actions and live up to the values and moral standards that guided his life. Bob Rosow had a tremendous impact and influence on my life and he is greatly missed.
My first memory as a Jew was at Temple Beth-El daycare, being told to be quiet during nap time and then later attending a Yom Kippur service with my parents and being told the same thing -- to sit still and be quiet. So my first experience as a Jew was to come to Temple and be quiet. Starting at this early age I felt reluctant to speak up about Judaism- almost like I didn't have a Jewish voice.
Frankly, all through my childhood, I was very confused and ambivalent about being Jewish. My participation in Jewish activities was inconsistent, at best. Growing up- our family didn't practice Jewish customs very often in our home and we seldom attended services. An example of the inconsistency in our Jewish home was the year my brothers, sister and I convinced our parents that we needed a Christmas tree. We also sat on Santa's lap at the mall; visited Fantasyland at Joske's downtown and our family retail business had Christmas decorations and Christmas gift wrap. I don't blame my parents- they were just trying to appease their children. Being Jewish and participating at Temple wasn't a priority to them. I also remember events when our family did participate in Jewish activities and I felt a part of the Jewish community. We lived in a predominately Jewish neighborhood belonged to Northview, the Jewish country club, and on major Jewish holidays gathered with our Jewish friends. At the time, all of these social events were much more important to me than going to Temple and praying.
When I was ten, we moved to Alamo Heights- it was a different environment - we were trying to fit in and assimilate. Judaism took a backseat to other interests. I felt disconnected and uncomfortable about being Jewish.
Studying for my Bar Mitzvah, I learned a very valuable lesson on this very bimah from Mr. Milton Bendiner. During our first meeting I was totally unprepared. Mr. Bendiner, who could be very intimidating, was so disappointed in my lack of preparation that he gave me a stern lecture and a scolding. As you can imagine, I was very hurt and embarrassed. Over the next several weeks, he taught me to respect and cherish the significance of my Torah preparations. Mr. Bendiner made me take responsibility for my actions, even at the young age of twelve.
In middle school, my vivid memory of being Jewish was enduring cruel teasing and derogatory remarks about Jews from some of my fellow students. I wasn't mature enough to know how to respond, so I just let it go, internalizing my feelings. It took me many years into adulthood to realize it was better for me to concoct an ignorant and prejudiced comment rather than let it go. I now know that it feels much better when I stand up to someone and have an opportunity to possibly change their thinking.
At Alamo Heights High School, none of my close friends were Jewish. I didn't give Judaism much thought until my senior year when my gentile friends were all invited to fraternity rush parties at UT. My only invitation was to ZBT, the Jewish fraternity. This turned into a major identity crisis- I just wasn't sure where I fit in arid that was a factor in my college decision. I decided to attend SMU-where no Jewish fraternity decision was required because there were no active Jewish fraternities on campus. In college, Judaism was low on my list of priorities until I spent a semester at sea on World Campus Afloat. Many of the Jewish students got together to organize a Passover Seder on the ship. A Jewish professor helped organize the service until two weeks before Passover when he abruptly resigned his position, explaining he couldn't handle the stress. Left without a faculty sponsor, our committee bonded by working together. Several hundred people observed iIIld participated in that service. At that time, I thought the faculty sponsor was irresponsible for quitting- but looking back on the experience- he knew what he was doing by letting us lead the service. I felt proud and a sense of accomplishment from working together with the other Jewish students.
As soon as I graduated college- I headed to Israel, my desire stemming from my longing to feel Jewish. I spent two months on a kibbutz doing physical farm labor, but spending most of my time with volunteers who were not Jewish did not satisfy my need to connect to Judaism. I was still trying to figure out my Jewish identity when I left the kibbutz, so I went to Safed. I met a Hasidic Jew named Mordecai, who invited me to stay in his home to teach me his Jewish lifestyle. He explained Kabbalah and told me that true Judaism was in the readings of Maimonides. He convinced me that I had spent four years in college listening and learning from professors and that I was still confused, so I should stay in Israel, learn a trade and study with him. He took me to a Yeshiva and introduced me to a Mikvah or holy bath. I had very little understanding about what he was talking about and his proselytizing bewildered me. I thought about staying in Israel- but I knew I would not fit into this world of traditions that I was so unfamiliar with- and he made me doubt in was really a Jew. In Israel, my search to become closer to God came to no avail.
A few years later I met Angela and after dating we fell in love and decided to marry. Angela was raised a Baptist, so when we discussed having children the issue came up about raising them Jewish or not. I had basically been ignoring my religion, yet raising my children Jewish was still important to me- I felt like a hypocrite. Angela wanted our family to have a religious unity and she was comfortable in her decision to convert to Judaism. We enrolled together in the conversion class; it was a great education for both of us. I learned many aspects of Judaism, things that I had not paid attention to or cared about when I was in Religious School. Angela was interested and enthusiastic about becoming a Jew and together we made a Jewish home.
We even chose to go to Israel for our honeymoon.
When our first child, William, was diagnosed with cancer at age four, we were devastated. The Rabbis and the Jewish community were very supportive. When Angela and I couldn't deal with the fear and pain, we would go to Friday night services because it felt comfortable and safe to pray to God. I gained strength and courage from the overwhelming sense of support I felt when I heard a blood drive had been initiated at Temple on William's behalf, in an effort to save his life. At William's funeral service, Rabbi Stahl helped us to accept our loss when he quoted the great Czech- Jewish writer, Franz Kafka, who wrote an essay in which he described the untimely death of his young sister. Kafka wrote: “when a young child dies, don't cry too much because in all likelihood, that soul only needed to come to earth for a brief time in order to be just slightly more purified, so that it could join God in Paradise.” Kafka concludes, “I walked out of that synagogue, and for the first time, I had peace of mind. Now I knew where my sister was.” Those reassuring words were comforting and eventually helped me to accept the reality of William's death and to heal.
Another strong influence in my Jewish life is Ed Greene. Ed married my mother 25 years ago and it took some time for me to accept him, just because he wasn't my dad. But, Ed set such a great example for our family with his commitment to the reform movement, and his generous support for Greene Family Camp that I began to respect and admire him. Thanks to Ed, our children have had the opportunity to attend Greene Family Camp every summer and it has been beneficial in their growth and development as Jews. Our daughter, Kathleen, has enthusiastically embraced the camp experience as well as her involvement in Temple activities, by working as a Ma'aseh and on the SAFTY Board. Our ten year old son, Alex, says camp is his favorite thing to do and being Jewish feels normal. Because of Ed's influence, especially with my mother, our family reconnected to celebrate Jewish events and holidays. It was Ed's motivation that made me want to get involved on the camp committee as well as the Temple Beth-El Board and Religious School Committee.
When I reflect on the many people who have had an impact on how I feel as a Jew from Mr. Bendiner to Mordecai, to the loss of William, the greatest influences in my life have been from Bob Rosow and Ed Greene. Both men set the example with their commitment and faithfulness to Judaism and by demonstrating the joy of giving. It took me a lifetime of confusion and searching to figure out what was always inside me. I am proud to be a Jew.
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