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Home Presentation for Yom Kippur Symposium 5768, September 22, 2007
My formal Jewish education ended with confirmation. I was 15 years old. My desire to continue learning and studying about Judaism was not reawakened until I was in my 50s and a Jewish educational program, The Florence Melton Adult Mini School, offered its first courses in San Antonio. Upon completion of the 2 year curriculum, I hungered for more knowledge about my Jewish religion. I joined a women’s study group at the Temple led by Rabbi Block. Over a two year period we read and discussed Torah. In ensuing years, we examined prayer, read and discussed the Pirke Avot, Haftorahs, portions of Talmud, Jewish views on death and other topics. I did not realize that my studies would prepare me for and have a profound impact on the life altering experiences that were about to occur.
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with a synovial sarcoma, a form of cancer that changed my life, made me reexamine my values, and clarified who I am. It also left me as a below the knee amputee. The first 59 years of my life were a journey that prepared me for what happened in 2005, how I handled it then and how I am dealing with it now. My religious beliefs played an important role in how I coped with the trauma and in the healing process, which still continues today.
The day after my diagnosis and biopsy, Lynn Stahl called me from Chautauqua. She was in as much shock as I was, as I had just seen her there a few days before. She said to me that I possibly would receive many blessings from this cancer and its treatment. I was about to lose my leg. What kind of blessings could come from this sarcoma that would result in such a loss and possibly result in the loss of my life? There couldn’t be blessings. I hung up the phone and shook my head, wondering how Lynn had the chutzpah to say that to me. I was in a non weight bearing cast, in a state of shock, and confined to home. I had a whole week to lie in bed and think about the amputation. And over the course of that week, a little voice began to resonate in my head “You will receive many blessings” and I began to open myself to the possibilities of blessings. Although I didn’t realize it at the time, recognizing blessings is a form of gratitude and that gratitude came from deep within me. And those blessings also began to define my relationship with God.
The thought of losing a part of my body was overwhelming. It wasn’t just the amputation I thought about. What would happen to my limb after the final biopsies were completed? The thought of a part of me ending up as medical waste was more than I could bear. I instinctively knew that the loss I was about to endure could be lessened if that part of me was treated with dignity and respect. I had learned in my studies that there is a Jewish view of resurrection. Although I wasn’t sure I 100% believed it, I didn’t want to leave anything to chance. So, I picked up the phone and called Rabbi Block. Could I have my leg buried in my cemetery plot? The Rabbi, without hesitation, said he would make arrangements. Two weeks after my surgery, the Rabbi called to tell me that my foot had been buried. He explained that there were no prescribed prayers for this, but he offered one of his own at the gravesite. That part of me was treated as though it was sacred and it was comforting. I would never have to wonder where a part of me was. I had no idea at the time I made this request that the healing power of this one act would be so important to my recovery process. Nor did I realize that I was creating my own ritual. I know from my studies that rituals may be created for healing, for creating closure and for expressing the significance of an event. I would be able to learn from my sadness and be able to move on with a greater sense of life. And I must add, that if it had not been for the Florence Melton Adult Mini School and my Torah Study group, I do not think that I would have ever thought of having my foot and leg buried.
The blessings I received were manifold. My husband became the captain of my medical team and head cheerleader during my recovery. My daughters came home to be with me for my surgery and to help take care of me. My parents came from Florida and stayed 3 months nursing me back to good health. My friends enveloped me. My community embraced me. I wrapped my arms around my Judaism and all that I had learned from it.
I knew that I was seeing the world in a different setting. Lynn Stahl was right. I had received many blessings. Judaism, in its infinite wisdom, knows that mourning needs to end after a year and life needs to go on. I needed to put the first year of life without my left leg behind me. So, once again, I called the Rabbi. Could we go to the cemetery on the anniversary of my surgery? I wanted to stand at my grave and say a prayer. This time, Rabbi Bergman Vann accompanied me and in 2006, I stood by my grave and read a prayer that I had written. As one Jewish scholar said about prayer, “To pray is our humble answer to the inconceivable surprise of living. It is all we can offer in return for the mystery by which we live…….”
And so, I share the prayer that I said by my grave.
I stand here today to mourn the physical part of me that died one year ago today.I stand here today to give thanks for the renewal of self.
I stand here today to acknowledge what has happened to me.
I stand here today to formally end mourning for me as I once physically was.
Standing before my grave, I acknowledge that death is a part of life and that my life is finite. A part of me has already died, but it is only the physical part, not who I am or what I am.
My essence and my spirit are still with me, only they have grown in ways that I never knew I was capable of growing.
Dear God – here is my prayer to You this day:
Thank you God for my life and for allowing me to pursue new directions.
Thank you God for my husband, his love, caring, devotion and encouragement.
Thank you God for my daughters who have loved and nourished me.
Thank you God for my parents who have loved me and were able to take care of me during my recovery.
Thank you God for the rest of my loving family.
Thank you God for my friends and community who have loved me and helped to sustain me through this year.
Thank you God for giving me the courage and strength to endure the loss of limb and to celebrate life. Thank you for the positive I Can Do attitude that has carried me through some difficult days.
Thank you God for always being with me and for loving me.
Amen.
Each morning when I awaken and each evening before I go to sleep, I thank God for all the blessings that I have received over the course of the past two years and over the course of my lifetime. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful for being cancer free. And I thank God for the desire that gave me the impetus to study Torah and to attend the Florence Melton Adult Mini School so that I could come out of this knowing who I am and with my beliefs in tact.
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